


stickwitu

by natwritesbadstuff



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, MORE PROJECTING, author projecting onto everyone lol, doesn't have an actual ending lol, it just dies, it's also very inconsistent idek, lowercase intended, not proof read, overall very bad, probably a bunch of mistakes i don't care, really bad writing, some more projecting too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 21:34:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29035515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natwritesbadstuff/pseuds/natwritesbadstuff
Summary: jaemin becomes a proana coach to the sound of the pussycat dolls
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	stickwitu

**Author's Note:**

> i’m projecting and this is shit and i legit wrote it laughing so if you take it srsly u lose. this might look like every other edfic out there idk i just did it for the giggles. also, if there are any mistakes i srsly do not care at all so keep it to yourself. i’m a stem major idk anything about writing.
> 
> listen to the 2005 hit song stickwitu by the pussycat dolls while reading this. that is an order. if you’re not listening to it yet you can’t read this, i forbid it. for those who already have stickwitu on a loop, please do go on.

jaemin honestly could not pinpoint when it had all started. he had a vivid memory of the first time he realized something was not right, but he knew for sure things had been going downhill for a while already when that had happened. somehow, it had become almost his whole life. every waking hour was spent thinking about the food he had and hadn’t eaten, the calories he had and hadn’t burned, the weight he had and hadn’t lost. everything else came in second. 

something he had quickly learned is that sometimes it was a lot more satisfying to look at other people eating instead of eating himself. the clarity that was only provided by starving gave him perspective. he was able to notice what happened around him. who used the bigger plates, filled them up more, ate faster, and got seconds. who paused while eating to drink water, and then left some food behind. he noticed how donghyuck always seemed to be the former; the same donghyuck who would later complain about gaining weight and not knowing where it came from. but jaemin knew, because starving gave him the clarity his friend lacked.

jaemin got to the fitting feeling good that day. he had woken up, weighed in to see he had lost since the day before, and had black coffee for breakfast. he was a little tired but nothing the high of his fast couldn’t pull him through. as soon as the fitting started, hyuck was the first to go as he stayed behind talking to the others. as he was discussing something about their rehearsal later, he could overhear the obvious displeasure of their stylists and turned his head to be able to get a better look at what was going on. right there in front of him, clear as day, was donghyuck’s reddened face as one of the stylists tried to zip up his jacket; ultimately failing at the task at hand. he faintly heard jisung making some snarky comment about how his friend had been eating too much noodles lately. donghyuck just made some half hearted come back and started getting back into his own clothes.

in retrospect, jaemin knew the thoughts running through his head were wrong. he didn’t really want to make hyuck feel bad, but he knew he needed a wake up call so he would stop gaining weight before he became borderline overweight. so he went with his instincts. as everyone else was making fun of donghyuck, jaemin just smirked and looked at him, waiting for him to notice. as soon as he held eye contact with him, jaemin’s smirk grew and he started pulling his shirt off, simply stating he would go next. as it was expected, the jacket that had been fitted sometime before was already big on him. it felt good, but what felt even better was to feel his friend’s careful stare throughout his whole fitting. even as he was done, he saw how he kept looking at him during the rest of the day.

when they got back to the dorms at night, the rest of them were quick to say they were starving as they piled into the kitchen. meanwhile, jaemin stayed back, touching donghyuck’s arm to let him know he wanted to talk. that way, he led him to his room, locking it behind him. 

“what’s up with you, huh?” jaemin asked donghyuck as soon as they were alone there. 

“what do you mean?” he replied, visibly growing uncomfortable by the second. 

“don’t play dumb donghyuck, how much weight have you gained lately?”

he sighed softly and felt himself get even more shy, “i don’t know.”

“you know you can’t keep doing this, right? you’re already fat enough as it is, you can’t keep gaining more weight.”

“i know, i’m sorry, i’ve just been stressed lately with the tour coming up. i don’t know why i’ve gained so much weight, i haven’t even been eating that much.”

jaemin let out a loud chuckle at this, “‘i haven’t even been eating that much,’ and then where do you suggest all that fat came from? huh? i’ve seen you eating, donghyuck, you’ve willingly swallowed every single calorie that has brought you here. you’re responsible for this, now own up to it. what is important now, is what are you gonna do about it?”

“i don’t know, i guess i’ll have to start a diet. i’ll cut back on sugar and carbs.”

“and you think you’re gonna lose enough weight before the tour?”

“i don’t know, i- do you think you could- i just-,” said, starting to get a little choked up.

“i could what, hyuck? tell me.” jaemin asked, a smile starting to grow on his face as he knew where this was going already.

“do you think you could help me?” he said more clearly, but still looking embarrassed. “i’ve seen you, i know you have more self control. i want you to show me how to do it. i want to be able to be more like you, i just need help. i don’t wanna go another day like this.”

jaemin felt his chest rise with pride and showed a full smile. “of course i will, you just had to ask.”

hyuck let out a small sigh, a little relieved but still nervous of what was to come. “ok, so what now? where do i start?”

he saw his friend already taking a scale from under his bed and a measuring tape from the drawer on his bedside table. “now we see how bad it really is.”

\----------

it had been three days since jaemin had started helping him out. he had made him start a long fast immediately, allowing only coffee and water. he still saw the disappointment in his friend’s eyes whenever they had to tell the rest of the group that they would go eat somewhere else, that they had eaten something earlier, that they were too full from the snack they had gotten on their way, that they were planning on eating later. of course, they were all lies, but necessary for being able to go on without anyone getting in the way of their goals. and while it made donghyuck sad, it made jaemin feel powerful. he was the one in control. even if sometimes he had lost it before, now he had it, and not only over himself, but someone else as well. 

he told himself it was fine, he wasn’t doing anything wrong, he was being a good friend and helping him out with what he had asked. hyuck did need to lose weight before the tour; that was no secret. he was just being helpful. but he couldn’t deny the rush of power he got whenever he could clearly hear hyuck’s stomach rumbling at the lack of food he wasn’t used to, whenever he would look at him asking for advice as if he was the greatest expert on the field, whenever he would get all red during their weigh ins, inevitably comparing their weights and measurements.

on the other hand, having fasted for more than 60 hours already, donghyuck was getting anxious and a little nervous. how much longer was he supposed to do this for? he was too scared to asked jaemin, thinking he would assume he was being weak and wouldn’t want to help him anymore. but at the same time, part of him was starting to like this. jaemin had assured him on the first day of his fast that if he was able to get over the feeling of intense hunger, it would pass and he would feel a lot better afterwards; and he had been right. the hunger pangs had stopped and he had started feeling a lot lighter. there was a certain high that came along with it, and now that he’d had a taste of it, he wanted more. not only that, but he could also see the look of pride and approval on jaemin’s face every time he denied food and didn’t give in to his instincts. but at the same time, food was all he seemed to think about now that he wasn’t eating. he had managed to fight the physical hunger, but his brain couldn’t seem to stop bothering him with endless thoughts of all he wanted to eat but couldn’t.

that night, he couldn’t sleep. he had drank too much coffee too late, trying to ease the need to eat something. it had clearly been a mistake, he thought, as he stared at the ceiling. even though the coffee had helped for a bit, he now lied awake, hungrier than ever, as thoughts of food plagued every corner of his mind. it was late, everyone was sleeping, no one would have to know. jaemin wouldn’t find out, right? surely the scale wouldn’t betray him after having fasted for the whole day, right? he could have something small and go back to bed, right? he wouldn’t lose control, right?

the idea of not losing control of his own body wasn’t working as well as he had imagined, as he found himself almost unconsciously walking towards the kitchen. he stood there, frozen, not knowing what to do. it seemed as if all the food surrounding him was making fun of him. silently laughing at him and mocking him. he heard something down the halway and felt his heart stop for a moment, steps getting closer and closer. he quickly grabbed a glass and got some water so the scene wouldn’t look too suspicious. he turned around and felt like he could breathe again once he saw a half asleep jeno entering the room. he hummed as a form of greeting him, which donghyuck reciprocated, as he saw him following his steps to get a glass of water. seeing someone else there had finally woken him up from the sort of trance that had brought him to the kitchen in the first place. what the fuck was he doing? was he really dumb enough to think he wouldn’t gain from eating at 3 in the morning, when he had to weigh in in just a couple hours? with half a mind, he turned around before he could get second thoughts and got back in bed. for once, he thought he genuinely felt proud of himself.

\----------

the day after his almost-slip up, him and the rest of the group’s vocalists had to go record some last minute stuff, and he had to admit he was a little glad he could get a small break from jaemin’s always-present stare. everything was supposed to be going well. he had been allowed to break his fast that morning with boiled eggs and some vegetables, which should have been enough to put his thoughts to rest, but he felt like his hunger had only been unleashed at the familiar taste of food he felt like he had ages longing for. he could barely concentrate when they got there to record in the morning. everyone was quick to notice, but didn’t know why. when he still wasn’t getting things right, renjun suggested they took a break so they could have lunch and then come back to keep working. donghyuck didn’t know what to do. jaemin wasn’t here to get him an easy out, and he felt as vulnerable as ever. everyone agreed to just ordering food and eating in one of the break rooms so they wouldn’t waste too much time. the whole time, he felt as if everything was happening on slow motion as he tried to think of what to do. but there was no space in his brain, as it was filled with thoughts of food and hunger.

when the food finally arrived. he stared at it for a second. he had to make a decision, and he had to do it fast; otherwise the others would get suspicious. he thought he could eat something, he wasn’t really fasting anymore. he could eat a small portion and make conversation so no one would notice. he had seen jaemin doing it countless times. each time getting away with it. he was no expert, but surely could do it too. right?

he started eating as slow as he could manage, but it didn’t feel like enough. he needed more. he had been fasting for days, a single meal couldn’t ruin everything. he tried telling that to himself, but as he kept eating, it felt more and more like a lie. before he knew it, he had lost control. he was swallowing everything he could fit into his mouth. soon enough, they had finished eating and were going to get back to keep recording. but he wasn’t done, he needed more. not thinking clearly, he excused himself and went to find a vending machine. chocolates, cookies, chips, soda; everything he could get, he was eating. he already felt like bursting but he couldn’t get enough. and, like the night before, he jumped when he could hear steps getting near. he just assumed they had sent jisung to look for him. he was ashamed, but he just had to throw all the trash away before they could see him. sure enough, he heard jisung calling for him, but nothing could’ve prepared him for the feeling when he turned around.

looking up, jisung was walking towards him, but he wasn’t alone. beside him, was none other than na jaemin. he stood frozen, hands full of empty wrappers, bags, and bottles. he couldn’t move, he couldn’t even breathe. he could faintly hear the words of his youngest friend telling him they should be getting back, while his eyes were fixated on jaemin, who was looking at him silently and wearing an unreadable expression. he felt a rush of fear when he saw him open his mouth to speak for the first time since he had arrived, telling jisung to go on, that he wanted to talk to him and then they would be right behind him. the youngest didn’t seem to think much of it, as he shrugged and went his own way.

donghyuck remained speechless, staring at jaemin like he had lost his senses. “come,” he said, on a scarily calm tone. he then lead him to the bathroom, where he silently locked the door and opened one of the stalls. he then stood beside it, holding the door with his own body while taking something out of his backpack. when hyuck was able to take a look at it, he grew confused. a single toothbrush. “well? do i have to do it for you, or what?”

after being stuck on a trance, donghyuck’s mind was already going a hundred miles per hour. was he really asking him to do what he thought he was? no, he surely must be wrong. jaemin was his friend; he was only helping him lose some weight, he wouldn’t make him do something like that. that wasn’t something normal people did to lose weight. that was something people with eating disorders did on the movies or the cautionary slides they showed in school. but if that wasn’t it, then what? there was no other explanation, and at that moment, he knew he could try to push it back for no longer than a minute, but ultimately, he didn’t have a choice. he had fucked up. bad. and it was time to pay.

he took a few slow steps forward, and reached out his hand to gently take the toothbrush from his hand, looking at it carefully. “you don’t need to use it if you can manage without it. if you need it, it’s there, though.”

hyuck kneeled carefully in front of the toilet, feeling his knees press to his swollen stomach. “jae…,” he said, starting to tremble a little while looking up as him. he had never done this.

at that moment, jaemin felt bad for him. showing a look of compassion, he said, “i know. you’re gonna be ok. you’ll feel better. everything will be out and you will be able to feel lighter again. you won’t ruin all your progress.” he saw how donghyuck nodded slowly, but still hesitated, so he continued, “this is the only way. you wanted me to show you, to teach you. well, this is it. don’t you remember how light you felt when you were fasting? when you stepped on the scale and saw the numbers go down? don’t you want that always? this is how. you have to stick to this. nothing else will be able to make you feel this way.”

\----------

not more than an hour later, donghyuck was back home. jaemin had gone to tell the others he wasn’t feeling well and he needed to rest as soon as he was done taking everything he had eaten out of his system. donghyuck felt strange, but beneath all the physical strain, he felt shame. it was creeping up on him more and more as he started to gain consciousness after what had happened. how had he been so careless and let himself go like that? he was too embarrassed to even look at jaemin in the eyes now. just as he thought that, he heard him talk to him for the first time since they had arrived at the dorm. “you slipped up, but you did what had to be done. you just have to remember how it feels so you try not to do it again. what would you have done if i hadn’t arrived then?”

“i don’t know,” he replied honestly.

“well, now you do know what to do. you can’t let go like that every time other people encourage you to, alright? you just need to get your priorities straight. you know where you are and what you want. now you don’t let anybody get in between.”


End file.
